I can even begin to accurately estimate how many times I have heard the phrase " Don't worry about what others think of you" in my life. It has come from friends, parents, family members and even near strangers. The truth is, in my opinion, it is part of human nature, we want others to see us for who we know and believe we are, we want our words, works and even appearance to reflect who we are and what we stand for.
As children we are taught to represent ourselves in a positive manner, and as teenagers we are encouraged to find ourselves, while still keeping note of that positive foundation. I believe that it starts during childhood, seeing just how vicious the world can be. Whether it comes from a kid next you at the lunch table making fun of your taste in sandwiches, or the girl who is seemingly in competition with you and seeking a way to make you feel "less than worthy", it affects your little soul deeply. Enter your parents, guardians etc. These people love you, day ina nd day out, no matter the circumstance, they see you for all you are and send out pure, whole emotion. Reminding you that you are nothing short of a gift from heaven, and that you should not let others hurt you... "stick and stones" right? if only it were that simple.
Moving on to teenage years, and even into young adulthood. Let's be honest, puberty, hormones, the change from "kid" to "adult" is an excruciating process to bare. Mix the ever present competition with the same sex, to be noticed in a great manner by the opposite, with the unavoidable battle we all face during these "awkward" years... you dont feel pretty enough, smart enough, cool enough, you dont have the right shaped body and you always seem to get a giant zit right when you are having your photos taken. You could be the prettiest, most handsome, most lovable and uniquely amazing teen in the world... and you generally feel alone. Once again, enter family, piggy backed by friends, reassuring you that you are all you see yourself as and what "they say" doesn't matter.... oh but Mommy dear... it does.
As an adult, we hopefully have found a sense of self. This enables us to reassure our own minds that we are okay, you have been through boyfriends, girlfriends, friends and enemies, and you are still here, alive and thriving... ye tthat tiny, annoying little voice still seems to rear its ugly little head and you find yourself noting insecurities once again.
Life battle after life battle, both victories and failures, like virtual tally marks, we build a new foundation and embark on alife that we have built for ourselves.
Moments like tonight, while my little angels are asleep in their beds, cozy and dreaming... I wonder what life will be like for them. Kids are even more cruel, and inconsiderate, and I hope that my efforts and thier father's efforts in raising them to be above such games, will stick.
I must remind myself of the same.
Under extreme amounts of scrutiny, from parties who truly do not know very much about me, I have found myself wondering and stressing over things that I should never doubt about myself. I know who I am, what i stand for and what I dedicate my life to. I know that I am more than their words an accusations and must, not only for myself, but for all three of these children, press on and prove otherwise. It is frustrating, and moves one to anger easily, but I am not a vengeful person, nor will I begin to be one now. I have fought through all other battles to remain a strong, and truthful woman. I set the best examples I can for my family, and continually work hard to give them the lives they deserve and then some.
Yet some words, some accusations, really get my blood boiling.
As much as it seems as though throwing out the next verbal dagger would satisfy me, I know it would only be momentarily, and only out of poor reaction and judgement. While I wish that I could act swiftly to remove the words right out of their mouths, I trust that it will all run its course. I leave my faith in the belief that all things happen for a reason, and that any empty finger pointing and name calling, any shallow words, or desperate attempts at demeaning my character, will prove themselves to be just that.
I will continue to follow the words of parents and friends, those who truly know me, at my faults and successes, as well as the things I know to be true in my own heart. It is not easy to sit back silently and let the deck of cards fly, waiting to see if the ones that land on the table are just.... but afterall, I have been through this before, and I will continue to wade my way through the murky water... head held high, knowing that I am, after all , not at all what you may say I am .... but you my dear, are proving that all on your own.
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