Ok, ok, I will admit it.... I am a die hard, sappy as it gets, hopeless romantic. I love nothing more than a n amazing love story, one that has u reaching for the tissues to wipe your blubbering face while eating ice cream and sympathizing with whichever "Noah" or "Allie" type characters you become completely enthralled with. Yep, I'm that chick... :)
Unfortunately when it came to the reality that ACTUAL love stories are more or less like "Knocked up" or as trivial as Ross and Rachel from friends before they are anywhere close to "Notebook", I was a little less than enthused. Anyone that knows me can attest to the fact that that I dive into matters of the heart 100%. I am a loyal friend, and will be probably a lot more so than some deserve. I am a giant ball of emotion when it comes to my children, momma bear to the fullest, ready to kiss away boo boos, and savor moments of cuddling.... and I will also tear the face off of anyone who crosses friends or my kiddos the wrong way. My family, as extenxedand mixed as it is, is my foundation, my rock, my everything... I will wrap my arms around a stranger in need in a heartbeat.. call it a weakness if you must, but everyone has a heart and needs and if I can be there ... I will.
These "qualities", if that what we want to call them, have served me up a hot dish of poo in the past as well. I have had my heart stomped on in more ways than I can count. I have "fallen" all too easily before, without regard, giving undeserving boys a direct line to squash me like a bug... not just once either.
At 19, I met the father of my children. In a whirlwind romance, we fell madly in love, ACTUAL love, and were blessed with two beautiful babies. Through more trials and tribulatons I ever thought possible for my "Knight in shining aromour" story, I learned that even the purest of heartz and most honest of intentions can turn into heartbreak. Our marriage ended, I picked myself up, dusted my britches off and moved forward.... and for the first time was doubtful of whether or not a love like I desired existed.
Broken hearts are like little shattered pieces of glass. Once beautiful and clear, they become divided into a million little compartments and pieces, that even the strongest Gorilla glue cannot repair back to its original form.
My heart was not only broken, but hardened.
I was afraid to let ANYONE in
Fearing the unknown
Who would want to, or be brave enough to try and love me and all my scarred, mismatched emotions?
Who would be amazing enough to fight through the walls I had put up like a fortress protecting the princess in Mario brothers? (Complete with two fire breathing dragons in child form)
And while I may have been negative more so than ever, doubtful and on the biggest "angry bitch" kick of my 25 years of life, there was still that glimmer of hope for someone to prove me wrong .....
Now let back up a few years, stay with me, I promise it is worth it.
Being the over the top life enthusiastic, blind to what may be right in front of me, kind of girl I was, I know I probably let many a prince slip through my fingers for some complete toads... and I believe the love of my life wax one of them.
At 19 years of age I changed job locations and moved to a store that was to be quite honest, the flippin bees knees. Everyone was young, vivacious and soo much fun.
This was where I met the men that would change my life forever.
One, the father of my children, my first husband, and now my friend.
The other?
His adorable friend, quiet, kind, with an awesome taste for music and the bluest eyes I had ever seen. (Yes... GORGEOUS blue) In meeting them both, my heart fluttered for different and similar reasons, and in my shy, safe, romantic mode, I said nothing. Eventually my feeling for the first grew and he reciprocated... but I gained an amazing friend ship with the second.
Uncanningly alike, we had a great time together, never veering from our friendship, and always having eachother's backs.
Little did I know, he had felt those sparks at the beginning as well.
Years passed, he became "uncle" to my kids, my confidant in so many ways and the one person, who through all of the curveballs life threw me, was ALWAYS there to remind me I was strong enough to make it through.
Now back to that D word... (Divorce)
As my life changed and I attempted to face the world as a single mother and newly single twenty something.... I was terrified. How the heck was a going to do this?! Lawd have mercy, I needed a miracle, a combination of Mary Poppins and Jillian Michaels to get my fanny up and at em'... I was not looking for romance, or a date, or even a glance from another. I was busy being a mother working 40 hours a week and keeping a house clean. It was a full time, wear me out only sleeping three hours a night gig. I lost weight, I lost sanity, and somewhere in there, realized I had lost the most important thing of all... myself.
Enter blue eyes.
Like a serious swift bolt of lightning, he changed it all, flipped a switch, and did not even know he was... hell niether did I.
He played music, like he always had, but like I had forgotten to... and I was listening for the first time. He encouraged me to pick up my camera and show the world what I was capable of. He reminded me that NO ONE is perfect and that trying to be would be insane. He saw me for the lady, the mother, the PERSON I was... the girl I had forgotten about.
Suddenly trees were more beautiful, grass was greener, birds sounded sweeter, my children 's incessant "Mom, mommy, mom "moooooooom"" was more comical than stressful. I had found me again. Bit my bit i put it all back together, pounding on the steering wheel to "Rise Against" with the window down and my kids singing along... i had missed it so much. My days became easier and I looked forward to seeing my friend more and more. Our conversations became regular and our laughter non stop... and before I knew it, the sparks were back and I was stunned.
i thought to myself " no way.. not possible. He can never know, I dont want to lose our friendship, plus, who says he feelsthe same?"
Oh. He did.
After much contemplation I got the nerve to speak up, more or less fishing to see if I was crazy.
I wasn't.
And after even more contemplation, we decided to give it a shot. Against all odds, Berlin wall up around my heart and all, HE wanted to try. He saw more than I ever thought possible, he had faith in me.
Back to the corny, cheesey, romantic-ness I had always held onto, here it was... every girls dream, falling in love with your best friend.
I never thought his arms would be the ones I ended up being held in. I never thought ANY of it would be a blip on life's map for either of us.... andlhere we are... happy, healthy, loving and still jamming out to the same songs, just now, we hold hands instead <3
He's not a prince, or a knight, nor is he a toad.
There's nothing Romeo and Juliet about us, but he's definitely my Clyde, and I am glad he chose me to be his Bonnie...
I love you Babe.
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