A girl and her best friend

Ok, ok, I will admit it.... I am a die hard, sappy as it gets, hopeless romantic. I love nothing more than a n amazing love story, one that has u reaching for the tissues to wipe your blubbering face while eating ice cream and sympathizing with whichever "Noah" or "Allie" type characters you become completely enthralled with. Yep, I'm that chick... :)

Unfortunately when it came to the reality that ACTUAL love stories are more or less like "Knocked up" or as trivial as Ross and Rachel from friends before they are anywhere close to "Notebook", I was a little less than enthused. Anyone that knows me can attest to the fact that that I dive into matters of the heart 100%. I am a loyal friend, and will be probably a lot more so than some deserve. I am a giant ball of emotion when it comes to my children, momma bear to the fullest, ready to kiss away boo boos, and savor moments of cuddling.... and I will also tear the face off of anyone who crosses friends or my kiddos the wrong way. My family, as extenxedand mixed as it is, is my foundation, my rock, my everything... I will wrap my arms around a stranger in need in a heartbeat.. call it a weakness if you must, but everyone has a heart and needs and if I can be there ... I will.

These "qualities", if that what we want to call them, have served me up a hot dish of poo in the past as well. I have had my heart stomped on in more ways than I can count.  I have "fallen" all too easily before, without regard, giving undeserving boys a direct line to squash me like a bug... not just once either.
At 19, I met the father of my children. In a whirlwind romance, we fell madly in love, ACTUAL love, and were blessed with two beautiful babies. Through more trials and tribulatons I ever thought possible for my "Knight in shining aromour" story, I learned that even the purest of heartz and most honest of intentions can turn into heartbreak. Our marriage ended, I picked myself up, dusted my britches off and moved forward.... and for the first time was doubtful of whether or not a love like I desired existed.

Broken hearts are like little shattered pieces of glass. Once beautiful and clear, they become divided into a million little compartments and pieces, that even the strongest Gorilla glue cannot repair back to its original form.
My heart was not only broken, but hardened.
I was afraid to let ANYONE in
Fearing the unknown
Who would want to, or be brave enough to try and love me and all my scarred, mismatched emotions?
Who would be amazing enough to fight through the walls I had put up like a fortress protecting the princess in Mario brothers? (Complete with two fire breathing dragons in child form)
And while I may have been negative more so than ever, doubtful and on the biggest "angry bitch" kick of my 25 years of life, there was still that glimmer of hope for someone to prove me wrong .....

Now let back up a few years, stay with me, I promise it is worth it.

Being the over the top life enthusiastic, blind to what may be right in front of me, kind of girl I was, I know I probably let many a prince slip through my fingers for some complete toads... and I believe the love of my life wax one of them.
At 19 years of age I changed job locations and moved to a store that was to be quite honest, the flippin bees knees. Everyone was young, vivacious and soo much fun.
This was where I met the men that would change my life forever.
One, the father of my children, my first husband, and now my friend.
The other?
His adorable friend, quiet, kind, with an awesome taste for music and the bluest eyes I had ever seen. (Yes... GORGEOUS blue) In meeting them both, my heart fluttered for different and similar reasons, and in my shy, safe, romantic mode, I said nothing. Eventually my feeling for the first grew and he reciprocated... but I gained an amazing friend ship with the second.
Uncanningly alike, we had a great time together,  never veering from our friendship, and always having eachother's backs.
Little did I know, he had felt those sparks at the beginning as well.

Years passed, he became "uncle" to my kids, my confidant in so many ways and the one person, who through all of the curveballs life threw me, was ALWAYS there to remind me I was strong enough to make it through.

Now back to that D word... (Divorce)
As my life changed and I attempted to face the world as a single mother and newly single twenty something.... I was terrified. How the heck was a going to do this?! Lawd have mercy, I needed a miracle, a combination of Mary Poppins and Jillian Michaels to get my fanny up and at em'... I was not looking for romance, or a date, or even a glance from another. I was busy being a mother working 40 hours a week and keeping a house clean. It was a full time, wear me out only sleeping three hours a night gig. I lost weight, I lost sanity, and somewhere in there, realized I had lost the most important thing of all... myself.
Enter blue eyes.
Like a serious swift bolt of lightning, he changed it all, flipped a switch, and did not even know he was... hell niether did I.
He played music,  like he always had, but like I had forgotten to... and I was listening for the first time. He encouraged me to pick up my camera and show the world what I was capable of. He reminded me that NO ONE is perfect and that trying to be would be insane. He saw me for the lady, the mother, the PERSON I was... the girl I had forgotten about.
Suddenly trees were more beautiful, grass was greener, birds sounded sweeter, my children 's incessant "Mom, mommy, mom "moooooooom"" was more comical than stressful. I had found me again. Bit my bit i put it all back together, pounding on the steering wheel to "Rise Against" with the window down and my kids singing along... i had missed it so much. My days became easier and I looked forward to seeing my friend more and more. Our conversations became regular and our laughter non stop... and before I knew it, the sparks were back and I was stunned.
i thought to myself " no way.. not possible. He can never know, I dont want to lose our friendship, plus, who says he feelsthe same?"
Oh. He did.
After much contemplation I got the nerve to speak up, more or less fishing to see if I was crazy.
I wasn't.
And after even more contemplation, we decided to give it a shot. Against all odds, Berlin wall up around my heart and all, HE wanted to try. He saw more than I ever thought possible, he had faith in me.

Back to the corny, cheesey, romantic-ness I had always held onto, here it was... every girls dream, falling in love with your best friend.

I never thought his arms would be the ones I ended up being held in. I never thought ANY of it would be a blip on life's map for either of us.... andlhere we are... happy, healthy, loving and still jamming out to the same songs, just now, we hold hands instead <3
He's not a prince, or a knight, nor is he a toad.
There's nothing Romeo and Juliet about us, but he's definitely my Clyde, and I am glad he chose me to be his Bonnie...
I love you Babe.

In the eyes of the beholder

    I can even begin to accurately estimate how many times I have heard the phrase " Don't worry about what  others think of you" in my life. It has come from friends, parents, family members and even near strangers. The truth is, in my opinion, it is part of human nature, we want others to see us for who we know and believe we are, we want our words, works and even appearance to reflect who we are and what we stand for. 

As children we are taught to represent ourselves in a positive manner, and as teenagers we are encouraged to find ourselves, while still keeping note of that positive foundation. I believe that it starts during childhood, seeing just how vicious the world can be. Whether it comes from a kid next you at the lunch table making fun of your taste in sandwiches, or the girl who is seemingly in competition with you and seeking a way to make you feel "less than worthy", it affects your little soul deeply. Enter your parents, guardians etc. These people love you, day ina nd day out, no matter the circumstance, they see you for all you are and send out pure, whole emotion. Reminding you that you are nothing short of a gift from heaven, and that you should not let others hurt you... "stick and stones" right? if only it were that simple. 

Moving on to teenage years, and even into young adulthood. Let's be honest, puberty, hormones, the change from "kid" to "adult" is an excruciating process to bare. Mix the ever present competition with the same sex, to be noticed in a great manner by the opposite, with the unavoidable battle we all face during these "awkward" years... you dont feel pretty enough, smart enough, cool enough, you dont have the right shaped body and you always seem to get a giant zit right when you are having your photos taken. You could be the prettiest, most handsome, most lovable and uniquely amazing teen in the world... and you generally feel alone. Once again, enter family, piggy backed by friends, reassuring you that you are all you see yourself as and what "they say" doesn't matter.... oh but Mommy dear... it does.

As an adult, we hopefully have found a sense of self. This enables us to reassure our own minds that we are okay, you have been through boyfriends, girlfriends, friends and enemies, and you are still here, alive and thriving... ye tthat tiny, annoying little voice still seems to rear its ugly little head and you find yourself noting insecurities once again. 

Life battle after life battle, both victories and failures, like virtual tally marks, we build a new foundation and embark on alife that we have built for ourselves. 

Moments like tonight, while my little angels are asleep in their beds, cozy and dreaming... I wonder what life will be like for them. Kids are even more cruel, and inconsiderate, and I hope that my efforts and thier father's efforts in raising them to be above such games, will stick. 

I must remind myself of the same. 
Under extreme amounts of scrutiny, from parties who truly do not know very much about me, I have found myself wondering and stressing over things that I should never doubt about myself. I know who I am, what i stand for and what I dedicate my life to. I know that I am more than their words an accusations and must, not only for myself, but for all three of these children, press on and prove otherwise. It is frustrating, and moves one to anger easily, but I am not a vengeful person, nor will I begin to be one now. I have fought through all other battles to remain a strong, and truthful woman. I set the best examples I can for my family, and continually work hard to give them the lives they deserve and then some. 
Yet some words, some accusations, really get my blood boiling. 
As much as it seems as though throwing out the next verbal dagger would satisfy me, I know it would only be momentarily, and only out of poor reaction and judgement. While I wish that I could act swiftly to remove the words right out of their mouths, I trust that it will all run its course. I leave my faith in the belief that all things happen for a reason, and that any empty finger pointing and name calling, any shallow words, or desperate attempts at demeaning my character, will prove themselves to be just that. 

I will continue to follow the words of parents and friends, those who truly know me, at my faults and successes, as well as the things I know to be true in my own heart. It is not easy to sit back silently and let the deck of cards fly, waiting to see if the ones that land on the table are just.... but afterall, I have been through this before, and I will continue to wade my way through the murky water...  head held high, knowing that I am, after all , not at all what you may say I am .... but you my dear, are proving that all on your own.

For my Brother...

"NEVER APART"

  You are my brother, the person I waited my entire life to meet, to get to know, to hug, laugh with and bond with. It was instant. At the age of 21 I never thought I would find that "missing puzzle piece" Family wise, and there you were! I felt like i had always known you, it all flowed together so well, and I was so greatful to finally have my Big brother in my life. 

I will never forget the first time you hugged me, having to do a "tap out" on your shoulder because I couldnt breathe  ( lol), whether it was the sheer build up of emotions, or the fact that you are 6'7" and your strength in RIDICULOUS, (or maybe a combo of both)... either way, it let me know right then and there... this family is what we had both been searching for... this family is forever. 

That was in 2009, and over the last four years it has been a roller coaster. You became a Dad to the universe's cutest blonde haired, blue eyed little southern belle ever. I think that may have been the only highlight... Over the last four years I have watche dthings fall apart, and while some of the decisions you have mad eI understood... I can honestly say that i am flabbergasted at this point. 

I got word just a few days ago that you are once again in Jail, and I knew that when my first reaction was "oh thank god"... it had gone too far. Drug addiction has stolen my brother, my father's son and Lily's Daddy... this being your third strike... I wonder if I will ever see you as a free man again... 

The fact of the matter is that it has come to a point where I am thankful that you are behind bars, because it means you are safe, in one place and will get the medical attention that you need. I have spent countless nights thinking about everything from how to help you, to fearing that I would one day soon have to plan a trip to GA from your funeral... 

I think one the hardest things about this is that I have always wanted to be supportive, I have always wanted to be the shoulder that you would need, or the person who would hear you out. The thing is that the entire time all of this has been going on, you have been telling me what I wanted to hear, or at least what you THOUGHT I wanted to hear. secretly, i knew it was all fabricated, but I wasnt going to continually shoot you down. I remained honest with you though, i always kept that promise, and I could feel the wrench in your voice when you became upset with me calling you out. then you would avoid me. 

All the help offered, all the love shown... I dont know what else we could have done... But that's just the thing, no matter what, you had made up your mind, and were satisfied with he path you have chosen. 

I am upset, not just for you, but mostly for your daughter, your son, our father and my kiddos. For aunt rose and Cara, for Misty, for me..... This is not fair.