6.21.2013
I am actually, legitimately, 100% a divorced woman.
This is probably the strangest thing I have ever encountered, and here I am, in a combo of smiles and strange tears, ready to celebrate the fact that life is moving in a more than positive direction.
When I married him, in my eyes, my heart, my soul, it was for good. Seven years later I know that our intentions were honest, that in those moments, we truly did love eachother, wanted to conquer the world together, and have every moment focused on the future.... together. I never thought that we would be signing papers saying that we are broken, that there is no fixing "us", that was so amazing for so long... but the truth of the matter is, things change, people change and sometimes the universe has a very interesting way of showing you EXACTLY what you need to see.
I spent the years I had with him striving to be the best mother and wife that I could. Mind you, I was young, like a little spring chick, ready to take on a world that I thought I was ready for but wasnt ready for me. I put on my "big girl panties" and took it on full force... only to find out that there are many corners and nooks and crannies, back alleys and hideaways that hold secrets, lies, illusions, like a speakeasy in the 1920's.... and I strong as I tried to be, as much as I fought through, I finally started to realize that I was in fact just a small blip on a giant spiderweb of a map... completely intertwined with another person, his past, our current and what the future may hold.
I will not bad mouth him, I have no reason to. We both have our flaws and we are both aware of them. I dont believe in turning into one of those "bitter disgruntled ex wives" that takes any emotionally fueled chance to dig deep into the skin of someone she may feel less than pleased with. Bottom line, truth of the matter? I once loved him in a way I never knew possible. He is the father of my amazing children and their hero... why would i ever try and take that away from them? This doesnt mean that there are not still moments where I would like the whack him on the forehead like the V8 commercials, or that we dont have moments where we dont see eye to eye. (after all we are DIVORCED for a reason), but we have also found this peace, with the help of our amazing counter parts, that have helped us see that not only are we a million times better off as friends, but also capable of seeing past all of the things that hurt us so much.
It really does feel confusing and amazing to sit and know that we are doing what we have set out to do, to give our children the best life we can, making sure that they are happy, the happiest, and thriving. Yet, on order for them to be happy, we must be happy first... and that is where this leads.
The three little faces that we tuck in at night are the sole reason we breathe.... and without each other, no matter what state of agreement we may be in, we would not have them. I am finding so much peace in the fact that even though our plans did not pan out, even though the love that was once there is now different, I can call my ex husband a friend... which not many can.
As we signed the book yesterday, making it official, preparing ourselves for the next chapter, i began to cry. Not out of sadness, because this is what we both want, what we both know is best and what we all need, but I think because it was a reminder of the days where we were eachother's best friend, and somewhere along the lines it got screwed up. I twas reminder of all of the faith and time that was out into something that ultimately comes down to a signature in a bound hard back book, full of there people signatures, stating that they too, once had faith and it was lost.
I am swimming in this mess of strange feelings, excited and confused. Wondering if I still believe in forever the way that I did before... And even if it turns out that I dont, I know that I have learned more than I could have ever hoped for through this, and that at the age of 27, I truly feel as though I can begin living the life I have always wanted, with my kiddos, and know that I am never alone.
June 21st 2013.... a new beginning, the day I begin all over again.
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