Not the answer...

Yesterday, a local teen committed suicide at his high school. My heart sank. I learned that he had a beautiful future ahead of him- full ride scholarship to college, graduating in mere days, an accomplished athlete, a well rounded kid- my heart sank even more. Then I learned that he had voiced his feelings of despair and angst on Twitter, which had been retweeted again and again, and I became angry. This CHILD, this LIFE, was crying for help and it never came. He chose to end his days in school, the place he had built his future, the place his friends and team mates and mentors all came together.... That's how much he was hurting. Everyone that saw his tweets, everyone that clicked "retweet", anyone, clearly did not assume he was in danger. But here lies the problem.... No one spoke up. Whether it be the risk of making a grave assumption and being wrong, or the inability to decipher a temporary mood from a real problem, too many are afraid to speak up. This needs to end now. Teach your children, your friends, your neighbors, how to be compassionate, sensitive and brave. Love them, praise them, hold their hands and show them that no matter what, they are worth more than anyone could ever imagine.

 Life smacks us in the face on more than one occasion each week. The world feels like it is tumbling down and you are left trying to gather the pieces, in attempts to put them back together, and it feels all too impossible. Your parents don't understand you, what you are dealing with, they assume it is "easy" being a kid, forgettin their days of crying in their beds at night, hiding their faces in their lockers when certain people passed by, what it felt like to have a broken heart before adulthood provided them with responsibility as a distraction.

You feel a though your spouse and you are on two different planets, juggling your own set of "must tod" and "honey dos", in the way of making your life dreams come true. You feel sad, an you aren't sure why, you miss laughing and relaxing, you miss feeling like "you", before you are "Mom" or "Dad" or "employee" etc. You feel out of touch, overwhelmed and buried in your own skin. 

You have been battered, beaten with hands and words, your heart feels void and you are living in shadows of what you thought your life would be like. On the outside you present life as "everything is okay" , when inside you are screaming for help. You cover bruises and scars on a daily basis, in hopes that no one will notice, because you don't want them to see how weak you are. "It's your fault", " you make me do this", " no one will believe you", "I will kill you if you ever try and leave me"...... "If I can't have you, no one can." --- these words echo in your mind day after day, a constant fight between what you know is rational and what your mind has been molded to believe. You feel there is no way out, no way to make the pain stop, that this is what life will be like forever. 

These are just a few examples, there are many more, but none are worth taking your own life. 

Yes there are hotlines, but most that are that far broken will not use them. We need to be the voice for those who cannot speak for themselves! We need to be able to approach a friend, family member, spouse ... ANYONE and say "I'm worried, I love you, please let me help your." We need to be able to approach administration in schools, management at work, and express our concerns and have it be immediately taken seriously. WE NEED TO BE PRESENT, BE HEARD,  BE AWARE. 

My heart breaks for the family of the boy that was lost, for each moment that will grace their day to day life with glimpses of him. The wonder of what went wrong, what was missed, what could have, should have would have..... The moments his mother folds his clothes that were left in the dryer that day, the moment the phone rings and his father, for a split second, wonders if it is him. The grow his team will feel with a vacant spot in his honor, the girl that loves him, wishing to hold his hand just once more. His siblings left feeling as though they lost a part of themselves,.... My heart goes out to them. 

We nee to pave the way for hope, for a light at the end of a very common and dark tunnel. We have all been there, and we made it through.... we are the proof there is hope, we are the experiences that can help, we can be the guide to help the rest find their way.... 

Lawd have Mercy

I fully remember being a sassy pre-teen and teenager. I remember pushing the limits on my Mother's patience and even testing the boundaries of my own courage at the same time.

I have memories of my mother doing her best to keep her cool when it was very apparent that she was about to either explode or spontaneously combust from the antics my siblings and I were ringing her through.

My intentions as a child were purely fueled by my own stubborn nature, ad well as the hormones dancing on the surface of my edge into puberty. Mix that with 2 ninja-like assasins for younger brothers and a new born baby sister,  and you have yourself a cocktail of pre pubescent disaster.

Now, as a 27 year old woman and mother of three, I find all of these memories flooding back to me as my own children are testing MY patience and the legitimacy of the rules and boundaries we have in place for them.

Seeing things through the eyes of both sides now, I could not wish tothe relate more to the fire my mother felt as her own babies looked at her and resisted all guidance and effort.

I often wonder if I am doing this whole "motherhood" thing the right way, if there even is such a thing. Fairly certain I am not the only one either. Signs that you are taking parenting seriously perhaps? I hope.

I have these three amazing little people, full if their own circumstances and personalities. And in my best attempts to guide them, to show them boundaries and teach them respect, I see just what my mother felt nearly 14 years ago.

I did not always push buttons with everyone, usually just my ma. Why? I didnt know at the time, but now looking back , it was because she was my rock, my wonder woman. I knew no matter what I did or said, no.matter how many loads of laundry I shoved into a corner or how many times I talked back as though attitude was flowing like lava from Mt. Vesuvious, she would always love me. I could absolutely push her to the limit, and while I may get my ass smacked in the process, or soap in my mouth , or priveleges taken away, at the end of all of it, my Mommy was still my #1 supporter.

So after mornings like this very one I am sitting in now, ones here I have had to raise my voice and an eyebrow all too many times even before most are awake, I remind myself of all of that.... I hope that the reason my chilldren are so comfortable in pushing my buttons, is because they know just how much I love them, and that no matter what, I will ALWAYS be here.

I just hope <3

My heart, in three pieces.

Meet the three pieces of my heart. Three, very distinct, amazing and awesome personailties. Three little hearts full of love, full of dreams and desires, each little head full of memories and dreams each night. Each one gives me a new and unique perspective on things each day, reminding me of what matters. Each little piece with their own little laugh and smile that can light up any room, and a voice that melts me.... Meet my heart, in three pieces, worthy of love and all the good in this world. These are the very reasons I rise each day, the very reason I have never given up. Meet my heart in three pieces, my children, the air I breathe, my babies.

100 things for my girls

1. I am your friend, but more importantly, your parent. I will always but the later of the two first.
2. No boy will ever love you as genuinely and as purely as your Daddy... ever.
3. TRAVEL. See the world, learn all you can...
4. Even though your brother is a pain, he loves you very,very much.
5.A good book is like a free vacation :)
6. You will inevitably get a giant zit, have a bad hair day, feel fat, ugly, etc at the worst possible times. Roll with the punches.
7. No prayer is too BIG or too small, or goes unheard.
8. Scent is the #1trigger for memory.invest in many perfumes :)
9. You can never take too many photos or have too many memories.
10. Respect others choices, opinions, views, backgrounds, individuality. They may not be the same as yours, but they are important, equal and you can probably learn something from them.
11. "Prince Charming" is a character, not a person. Hes a myth...
12. Your body, your choices... but you only get one, so choose wisely.
13. Its perfectly okay to say "No".
14. Guard your heart, its fragile, precious and a gift.
15. I promise you are beautiful. Not fat, ugly, too short, too tall, you are amazing and fearfully, and wonderfully made.
16. I will be an awesome Grandma, but not until you are atthe least 25 :)
17. Everyone is beautiful in some way, look for that.
18. Sunscreen is your friend, use it daily.
19. Have faith in yourself,  no matter what you are facing.
20. Choose your friends wisely.
21. There will always be "mean girls", dont be one of them and dont let them get the best of you.
22. Music has amazing powers, it is a life line, an emotional outlet, anything you need it to be. Explore it, all of it. You wont regret it.
23. Chivalry is not dead, and neither is Punk Rock ;)
24. Technology is the future, learn all you can.
25. A strong man is never threatened by a steong woman.
26. Marilyn Monroe movies+wine+girlfriends=perfection.
27. Cooking can be an art or a chore, u decide.
28. Your heart will be broken, more than once. It will hurt like hell and for a lot longer than you'd like. But I promise, it will heal, you will be okay, and most of all you will be stronger and wiser because of it.
29. No man is worth anything until they are 30. Not their fault, just takes them more time than us!
30. There will be moments you hate me, think I am evil, moments you think I dont understand or am being a bitch, just know that I always have your best interest in mind.... always.
31. Sometimes you will be right about me being bitchy :)
32. Nothing... NOTHING is private on the internet.
33. Watch as many movies as you can, from as many genres, eras as you can.
34. Money is necessary to live, but not for happiness.
35. Holding grudges is like torturing yourself. Move on. Let it go, and remember what it taught you.
36. Have faith... always.
37. Highschool boys think with their penis, and talk out of their ass to get what they want. You are beautiful, be prepared to have your BS radar in tune.
38. Everything you do, have done, are doing, thinking, feeling, trying, I have been there, done that, written the book and signed to autographs. NOTHING IS NEW TO A PARENT.
39. NEVER underestimate my power tothe find something out.
40. I will never disown you... doesnt mean I wont set tou straight, but I will never disown you.
41. Never let a man lay a hand on you.
42. Never lay a hand on a man.
43. Call your Brother if they do...
44. Lock your doors and windows.. always.
45. Never chase a man.
46. Good girls are not boring.
47. A good cry is necessary from time to time.
48. If it seems to good to be true, it is.
49. True friends are rare friends. Go for quality not quantity.
50. Sorry is just a word unless you show it.
51. Skinny isnt beautiful HEALTHY is.
52. Choose your words carefully, you can never unspeak them.
53. Make mistakes, learn from them, move on and dont look back.
54. "It is always darkest before dawn"
55. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY LITTLE GIRL.
56. Brown eyes are beautiful. 
57. God is never too busy to listen.
58. If you.make a promise, keep it.
59. Dr. Seuss knows whats up.
60. Never under estimate a persons ability to surprise you... gor better or for worse.
61. Watch "A Christmas Story" every year.
62. Music up, windows down, sing your heart out.
63. Dance like a dork, sing in the shower.
64. Organization helps everything...
65. Keep as many journals as u can/want. You will enjoy reading through them later.
66. Speak your mind, and mind what you speak.
67. Go with your gut. It will never fail you.
68. Cook, clean, work, because you want to, not because someone forces you.
69. Use your manners.
70. Life can change in an instant, hold into all you have in this moment.
71. Spandex is never "in fashion".
72. You have my heart, always and forever.
73. Shoes = love! Lol
74. Dont play games with peoples emotions.
75. Be faithful, and know that not everyone else will be. And if they arent, walk away... they dont deserve you.
76.be kind.
77. Savor your "firsts".
78. Happiness is a choice.
79. Be silly... as often as you can.
80. "A girl needs a man who will ruin her lipstick, not her mascara".
81. Home is not a building, its where your lived ones are.
82. English chocolate is 10× better than the American stuff.
83. Chapstick, wallet, keys, tampon, phone, charger, mascara... all the time jn uour purse every day.
84. Take care of you. Shave your legs even if you arent wearing shorts. Pamper yourself with a bubble bath. Paint your nails and do your brows. Feeling beautiful is the best feeling ever.
85. Love yourself first, then someone can love you.
86. Invest in good conditoner, better makeup and a great bed.
87. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some people will see you as drol dead gorgeous, others, not so much. They dont hold your worth... you do.
88. Excercise!!!!
89. You taught me what genuine, true, honest love is.
90. You are my reason for living.
91. Hike, run, swim, camp. Go outside!!! Appreciate nature.
92. Swim in the ocean...
93. Worrying gets you nowhere.
94. Angels are real, and so are ghosts.
95. Wish on shooting stars, @11:11 on birthday candles and on eyelashes.
96. Be creative, challenge yourself.
97. You can always talk to me about ANYTHING.
98. You only get one life, so be in love with every minute of it.
99. I love you to the moon and back.
100. You are so much more than you think you are <3

A girl and her best friend

Ok, ok, I will admit it.... I am a die hard, sappy as it gets, hopeless romantic. I love nothing more than a n amazing love story, one that has u reaching for the tissues to wipe your blubbering face while eating ice cream and sympathizing with whichever "Noah" or "Allie" type characters you become completely enthralled with. Yep, I'm that chick... :)

Unfortunately when it came to the reality that ACTUAL love stories are more or less like "Knocked up" or as trivial as Ross and Rachel from friends before they are anywhere close to "Notebook", I was a little less than enthused. Anyone that knows me can attest to the fact that that I dive into matters of the heart 100%. I am a loyal friend, and will be probably a lot more so than some deserve. I am a giant ball of emotion when it comes to my children, momma bear to the fullest, ready to kiss away boo boos, and savor moments of cuddling.... and I will also tear the face off of anyone who crosses friends or my kiddos the wrong way. My family, as extenxedand mixed as it is, is my foundation, my rock, my everything... I will wrap my arms around a stranger in need in a heartbeat.. call it a weakness if you must, but everyone has a heart and needs and if I can be there ... I will.

These "qualities", if that what we want to call them, have served me up a hot dish of poo in the past as well. I have had my heart stomped on in more ways than I can count.  I have "fallen" all too easily before, without regard, giving undeserving boys a direct line to squash me like a bug... not just once either.
At 19, I met the father of my children. In a whirlwind romance, we fell madly in love, ACTUAL love, and were blessed with two beautiful babies. Through more trials and tribulatons I ever thought possible for my "Knight in shining aromour" story, I learned that even the purest of heartz and most honest of intentions can turn into heartbreak. Our marriage ended, I picked myself up, dusted my britches off and moved forward.... and for the first time was doubtful of whether or not a love like I desired existed.

Broken hearts are like little shattered pieces of glass. Once beautiful and clear, they become divided into a million little compartments and pieces, that even the strongest Gorilla glue cannot repair back to its original form.
My heart was not only broken, but hardened.
I was afraid to let ANYONE in
Fearing the unknown
Who would want to, or be brave enough to try and love me and all my scarred, mismatched emotions?
Who would be amazing enough to fight through the walls I had put up like a fortress protecting the princess in Mario brothers? (Complete with two fire breathing dragons in child form)
And while I may have been negative more so than ever, doubtful and on the biggest "angry bitch" kick of my 25 years of life, there was still that glimmer of hope for someone to prove me wrong .....

Now let back up a few years, stay with me, I promise it is worth it.

Being the over the top life enthusiastic, blind to what may be right in front of me, kind of girl I was, I know I probably let many a prince slip through my fingers for some complete toads... and I believe the love of my life wax one of them.
At 19 years of age I changed job locations and moved to a store that was to be quite honest, the flippin bees knees. Everyone was young, vivacious and soo much fun.
This was where I met the men that would change my life forever.
One, the father of my children, my first husband, and now my friend.
The other?
His adorable friend, quiet, kind, with an awesome taste for music and the bluest eyes I had ever seen. (Yes... GORGEOUS blue) In meeting them both, my heart fluttered for different and similar reasons, and in my shy, safe, romantic mode, I said nothing. Eventually my feeling for the first grew and he reciprocated... but I gained an amazing friend ship with the second.
Uncanningly alike, we had a great time together,  never veering from our friendship, and always having eachother's backs.
Little did I know, he had felt those sparks at the beginning as well.

Years passed, he became "uncle" to my kids, my confidant in so many ways and the one person, who through all of the curveballs life threw me, was ALWAYS there to remind me I was strong enough to make it through.

Now back to that D word... (Divorce)
As my life changed and I attempted to face the world as a single mother and newly single twenty something.... I was terrified. How the heck was a going to do this?! Lawd have mercy, I needed a miracle, a combination of Mary Poppins and Jillian Michaels to get my fanny up and at em'... I was not looking for romance, or a date, or even a glance from another. I was busy being a mother working 40 hours a week and keeping a house clean. It was a full time, wear me out only sleeping three hours a night gig. I lost weight, I lost sanity, and somewhere in there, realized I had lost the most important thing of all... myself.
Enter blue eyes.
Like a serious swift bolt of lightning, he changed it all, flipped a switch, and did not even know he was... hell niether did I.
He played music,  like he always had, but like I had forgotten to... and I was listening for the first time. He encouraged me to pick up my camera and show the world what I was capable of. He reminded me that NO ONE is perfect and that trying to be would be insane. He saw me for the lady, the mother, the PERSON I was... the girl I had forgotten about.
Suddenly trees were more beautiful, grass was greener, birds sounded sweeter, my children 's incessant "Mom, mommy, mom "moooooooom"" was more comical than stressful. I had found me again. Bit my bit i put it all back together, pounding on the steering wheel to "Rise Against" with the window down and my kids singing along... i had missed it so much. My days became easier and I looked forward to seeing my friend more and more. Our conversations became regular and our laughter non stop... and before I knew it, the sparks were back and I was stunned.
i thought to myself " no way.. not possible. He can never know, I dont want to lose our friendship, plus, who says he feelsthe same?"
Oh. He did.
After much contemplation I got the nerve to speak up, more or less fishing to see if I was crazy.
I wasn't.
And after even more contemplation, we decided to give it a shot. Against all odds, Berlin wall up around my heart and all, HE wanted to try. He saw more than I ever thought possible, he had faith in me.

Back to the corny, cheesey, romantic-ness I had always held onto, here it was... every girls dream, falling in love with your best friend.

I never thought his arms would be the ones I ended up being held in. I never thought ANY of it would be a blip on life's map for either of us.... andlhere we are... happy, healthy, loving and still jamming out to the same songs, just now, we hold hands instead <3
He's not a prince, or a knight, nor is he a toad.
There's nothing Romeo and Juliet about us, but he's definitely my Clyde, and I am glad he chose me to be his Bonnie...
I love you Babe.

In the eyes of the beholder

    I can even begin to accurately estimate how many times I have heard the phrase " Don't worry about what  others think of you" in my life. It has come from friends, parents, family members and even near strangers. The truth is, in my opinion, it is part of human nature, we want others to see us for who we know and believe we are, we want our words, works and even appearance to reflect who we are and what we stand for. 

As children we are taught to represent ourselves in a positive manner, and as teenagers we are encouraged to find ourselves, while still keeping note of that positive foundation. I believe that it starts during childhood, seeing just how vicious the world can be. Whether it comes from a kid next you at the lunch table making fun of your taste in sandwiches, or the girl who is seemingly in competition with you and seeking a way to make you feel "less than worthy", it affects your little soul deeply. Enter your parents, guardians etc. These people love you, day ina nd day out, no matter the circumstance, they see you for all you are and send out pure, whole emotion. Reminding you that you are nothing short of a gift from heaven, and that you should not let others hurt you... "stick and stones" right? if only it were that simple. 

Moving on to teenage years, and even into young adulthood. Let's be honest, puberty, hormones, the change from "kid" to "adult" is an excruciating process to bare. Mix the ever present competition with the same sex, to be noticed in a great manner by the opposite, with the unavoidable battle we all face during these "awkward" years... you dont feel pretty enough, smart enough, cool enough, you dont have the right shaped body and you always seem to get a giant zit right when you are having your photos taken. You could be the prettiest, most handsome, most lovable and uniquely amazing teen in the world... and you generally feel alone. Once again, enter family, piggy backed by friends, reassuring you that you are all you see yourself as and what "they say" doesn't matter.... oh but Mommy dear... it does.

As an adult, we hopefully have found a sense of self. This enables us to reassure our own minds that we are okay, you have been through boyfriends, girlfriends, friends and enemies, and you are still here, alive and thriving... ye tthat tiny, annoying little voice still seems to rear its ugly little head and you find yourself noting insecurities once again. 

Life battle after life battle, both victories and failures, like virtual tally marks, we build a new foundation and embark on alife that we have built for ourselves. 

Moments like tonight, while my little angels are asleep in their beds, cozy and dreaming... I wonder what life will be like for them. Kids are even more cruel, and inconsiderate, and I hope that my efforts and thier father's efforts in raising them to be above such games, will stick. 

I must remind myself of the same. 
Under extreme amounts of scrutiny, from parties who truly do not know very much about me, I have found myself wondering and stressing over things that I should never doubt about myself. I know who I am, what i stand for and what I dedicate my life to. I know that I am more than their words an accusations and must, not only for myself, but for all three of these children, press on and prove otherwise. It is frustrating, and moves one to anger easily, but I am not a vengeful person, nor will I begin to be one now. I have fought through all other battles to remain a strong, and truthful woman. I set the best examples I can for my family, and continually work hard to give them the lives they deserve and then some. 
Yet some words, some accusations, really get my blood boiling. 
As much as it seems as though throwing out the next verbal dagger would satisfy me, I know it would only be momentarily, and only out of poor reaction and judgement. While I wish that I could act swiftly to remove the words right out of their mouths, I trust that it will all run its course. I leave my faith in the belief that all things happen for a reason, and that any empty finger pointing and name calling, any shallow words, or desperate attempts at demeaning my character, will prove themselves to be just that. 

I will continue to follow the words of parents and friends, those who truly know me, at my faults and successes, as well as the things I know to be true in my own heart. It is not easy to sit back silently and let the deck of cards fly, waiting to see if the ones that land on the table are just.... but afterall, I have been through this before, and I will continue to wade my way through the murky water...  head held high, knowing that I am, after all , not at all what you may say I am .... but you my dear, are proving that all on your own.

For my Brother...

"NEVER APART"

  You are my brother, the person I waited my entire life to meet, to get to know, to hug, laugh with and bond with. It was instant. At the age of 21 I never thought I would find that "missing puzzle piece" Family wise, and there you were! I felt like i had always known you, it all flowed together so well, and I was so greatful to finally have my Big brother in my life. 

I will never forget the first time you hugged me, having to do a "tap out" on your shoulder because I couldnt breathe  ( lol), whether it was the sheer build up of emotions, or the fact that you are 6'7" and your strength in RIDICULOUS, (or maybe a combo of both)... either way, it let me know right then and there... this family is what we had both been searching for... this family is forever. 

That was in 2009, and over the last four years it has been a roller coaster. You became a Dad to the universe's cutest blonde haired, blue eyed little southern belle ever. I think that may have been the only highlight... Over the last four years I have watche dthings fall apart, and while some of the decisions you have mad eI understood... I can honestly say that i am flabbergasted at this point. 

I got word just a few days ago that you are once again in Jail, and I knew that when my first reaction was "oh thank god"... it had gone too far. Drug addiction has stolen my brother, my father's son and Lily's Daddy... this being your third strike... I wonder if I will ever see you as a free man again... 

The fact of the matter is that it has come to a point where I am thankful that you are behind bars, because it means you are safe, in one place and will get the medical attention that you need. I have spent countless nights thinking about everything from how to help you, to fearing that I would one day soon have to plan a trip to GA from your funeral... 

I think one the hardest things about this is that I have always wanted to be supportive, I have always wanted to be the shoulder that you would need, or the person who would hear you out. The thing is that the entire time all of this has been going on, you have been telling me what I wanted to hear, or at least what you THOUGHT I wanted to hear. secretly, i knew it was all fabricated, but I wasnt going to continually shoot you down. I remained honest with you though, i always kept that promise, and I could feel the wrench in your voice when you became upset with me calling you out. then you would avoid me. 

All the help offered, all the love shown... I dont know what else we could have done... But that's just the thing, no matter what, you had made up your mind, and were satisfied with he path you have chosen. 

I am upset, not just for you, but mostly for your daughter, your son, our father and my kiddos. For aunt rose and Cara, for Misty, for me..... This is not fair.